I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
