I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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