I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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