dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
