Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
