he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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