My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
