You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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