I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
