Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
