I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
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dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
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You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.