I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
