Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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