Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
