Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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