Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
