Your face is a jimmy john
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There's always time for handjobs
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
