if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
