Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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