Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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