I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
