Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
