All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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