My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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