My cat gives me a boner
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
