Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
