Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Randomize
