True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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