I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
