Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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