I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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