im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
