someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
my poor anus
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
