i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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