There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
