he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
