im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's never too late to be topless.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize