Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
