I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
