i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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