I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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