Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
