i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
