I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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