You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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