You smell like a Billy Joel song
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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