She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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