my phone needs a breathalizer
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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