Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
