i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
