also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
