I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
