...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
