I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
